fear of feeling down, avoiding fear of feeling down, feeling down, feeling guilty for feeling down ...and then playing with it

I am scared
terrified
frozen of fear
of not being good enough

not being good enough to write a paper on my own
not being good enough to help people
not being good enough to earn my living
not being good enough to know how to help and support my friends
not being good enough to know how to love a man in a way that completes him and gives him wings
not being good enough to ever be able to take care of my parents or my little sister

i am terrified that i have to be extraordinary in at least some little way
if i am to be enough for at least one of this things
to work out
and i feel ordinary
and clumsy
and all the time i pretend i know what i'm doing
hoping with desperation
that i will finally convince myself of this cheap act
and my role will become my life

i feel ordinary and i am afraid to think that i might actually be ordinary
somehow being ordinary feels like less than ordinary
feels not good enough
incapable
deficient
meaningless
and what scares me most, it feels hurtful to others
like i'm a little bit of a hazard

i see myself fail over and over again
from the intellectual pursuits
to the human contact realm
of course i never really failed big time
no obvious, objectively quantifiable failure
but i can always feel it coming, right up the next corner
i am still floating by some weird conjunction of external conditions
nothing due to myself
to any inner strength of mine

and now i feel bad for thinking these depressive thoughts
just like all ordinarily depressed people
which just shows how un-extraordinary i am

and there i have it - the classic circle of suffering

now i will just play with it and post it here