să las deoparte bătălia asta cu mine şi doar să trăiesc, aşa cum sunt...

fear of feeling down, avoiding fear of feeling down, feeling down, feeling guilty for feeling down ...and then playing with it

I am scared
terrified
frozen of fear
of not being good enough

not being good enough to write a paper on my own
not being good enough to help people
not being good enough to earn my living
not being good enough to know how to help and support my friends
not being good enough to know how to love a man in a way that completes him and gives him wings
not being good enough to ever be able to take care of my parents or my little sister

i am terrified that i have to be extraordinary in at least some little way
if i am to be enough for at least one of this things
to work out
and i feel ordinary
and clumsy
and all the time i pretend i know what i'm doing
hoping with desperation
that i will finally convince myself of this cheap act
and my role will become my life

i feel ordinary and i am afraid to think that i might actually be ordinary
somehow being ordinary feels like less than ordinary
feels not good enough
incapable
deficient
meaningless
and what scares me most, it feels hurtful to others
like i'm a little bit of a hazard

i see myself fail over and over again
from the intellectual pursuits
to the human contact realm
of course i never really failed big time
no obvious, objectively quantifiable failure
but i can always feel it coming, right up the next corner
i am still floating by some weird conjunction of external conditions
nothing due to myself
to any inner strength of mine

and now i feel bad for thinking these depressive thoughts
just like all ordinarily depressed people
which just shows how un-extraordinary i am

and there i have it - the classic circle of suffering

now i will just play with it and post it here

the poetry in my daily prose

why is it such an extraordinaire challenge to get out of the bed in the morning?
the cruelty in the first fully awaken breath
the dizzying fist step
the vertigo of light and things to be done
the reality all around

to give up pillow metaphysics
with all those possible parallel multiple-verses
of simmering soft sensuous sleep
it is no easy feat

urlet

îmi urlă inima în piept
şi mă topesc în circumstanţe
am ape, şoapte şi dovezi
şi pălmile arzânde
ascuns adânc în esofag
se răsucesc cuvinte

o frică mare
un gol între mine şi tine
o tăcere stridentă

şi trece viaţa prin mine
ca lumina printr-o radiografie
urlet

lumea e plina

 

 

flooded by thoughts

beat by beat
each move
each past second
fills me up in thoughts

I see thoughts
hear and feel thoughts
they plunge in my stomach on their journey around this homely body of mine
getting a little dizzy, a little sick
drowning a little bit

I feel like a basic reaction to you
where is the everything else?

my hell is bright

my hell is bright
and sunny
and sparkling and light

it is this cover of warmth over the desert of icy departures
it is this feeling of high trapped in the impossibility of sharing